My back is super messed up again... So I went to the ortho doc and he made an appt. for me to get an MRI tomorrow. Now, the doctor says the MRI machine at the hospital is broken, so I'm going to have to drive down to Idaho Falls. It isn't too big of a deal really, but I hate taking time off work. The kids have ISAT testing tomorrow, which is major end of the year stuff... so I'm sure they won't be happy that I have to get a sub... but whatev. I will go to the doc on Thursday to get the results. I really, really hope I don't have to get back surgery (AGAIN!) We'll see.
Life is still crazy as ever. I started classes, and they are already in full swing. I am happy that I will have the summer off. School gets out for summer vacation on June 1st. I CAN'T WAIT!
Utah was super fun... I didn't get to spend as much time with friends as I wanted, so I hope to go back soon!
Well, I better be productive... Bye!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Friday, October 5, 2007
Fire...
I don't normally like fire. I don't like that it is so uncontained and dangerous. But when it comes to fire in a fire place, I have a totally different perspective. It smells good, it sounds good, it feels good. I have a fire place, but it is a fake-gas fireplace, which isn't any fun. It feels good, but it isn't the same consuming, internal, warmth. It doesn't smell good, it doesn't sound good. I want an old-school fireplace!
Graduate school is awesome!
Graduate school is awesome!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
YIKES
So, I thought I would look around since I'm new to this blogger thing. As I was searching through the blogs, I came across a VERY pornographic blog. I hate pornography worse than pretty much anything in this world. I was so shocked! Honestly, I guess if it floats your boat to look at it, so be it... But don't make it searchable for just anyone. Don't they know that young teenagers are signed up for this site? Is that their plan? I am so frustrated. I won't let this one experience turn me off of blogs, but I don't know how much searching I'll be doing from now on.
Now, I'm really going to bed.
Now, I'm really going to bed.
First post... a little scattered.
I never understood the attraction of posting a bunch of personal information on an Internet blog. I mean, I have posted blogs before, but never ultra personal. Today after spending an hour in therapy bitching about life, realizing I lack emotion... I decided that maybe posting a blog for thousands of strangers would ease my pain.
I don't hate my family. I love them in a weird-friendly-surface kind of way.
My mom is great. I can talk to her about work, school, and the daily grind… But it doesn’t go much deeper than that. There is a huge part of me that wants to lie in my mothers lap and bawl. I have only done this once in my life, but it was the best feeling in the world. I seek my mother’s approval in everything I do… it just seems that I am always an arm reach away from it. I stretch out to grab it, but I always fall short. That is how it is with my family… I always fall short. It wasn’t this way with my dad. I could do no wrong in his eyes. My dad had no qualms about hugging me and holding my hand in public. When I would spend time at his house in Idaho, he would take me to breakfast every morning. He took me to the most rinky-dink, dirty place in Idaho Falls. He loved it. Because he loved it I loved it. He would put his arm around me and say, “what’cha want for breakfast today honey?” Those words will never be erased from my memory. My dad is dead now and I can’t help but wonder how much longer he would have lived if I hadn’t selfishly gotten married at 17. I think this only because he died 2 weeks after my wedding. As I was happily living up my newly married life, my dad was dying. The last words I ever said to him were, “Don’t have a coronary.” Just a few more words that will never be erased from my memory. That is the thing about my memory… It’s good… and I hate it. I remember things that I want to forget… things normal people would forget.
My sister loves me. She calls me every few weeks… to make sure I’m alive she says. It makes me wonder if she thinks my mom wouldn’t call her if I died. On the surface my sister cares for me a whole hell of a lot. Underneath, she loves that I will listen to her no matter what her current problem is. I don’t judge her on the outside… even though on the inside I hate to admit that I am very judgmental (not just to my sister). Sometimes I make a game of counting a word in someone’s vocabulary. Kim said “Michael” 27 times in the last hour conversation I had with her. I wonder if anyone counts my words? My mom says “ugh” a lot. Ugh is our family’s way of swearing… we do a lot of swearing.
Chuck loves me… genuinely. He just has too much going on in his own crazy life to act upon his love. His wife is a witch after all… His little one, Marisa is a handful. She is most definitely 3… but I love her. I love that she is strong willed at such a young age. She is smart too. I am glad for that. Chuck has some learning problems… it isn’t that I love him less for it, I’m just glad Marisa isn’t inheriting that. I just hope she makes it in life. Growing up in this family… your chances are iffy.
Travis never loved me. Well, maybe he did when I was first born. I’m sure I didn’t come out of my mother’s stomach looking like a piece of meat to him… at least I hope I didn’t. He was six when I was born… I hear he was still a sweet kid then. Ed turned him into a monster. Jenny let Eddie and Tyler spend a week with Ed recently. Since then Jenny has sent Tyler back with his grandmother because of his stealing problems. The last time I saw him he was hanging out with a Mexican gang. Poor Tyler. Does anyone else realize that he is only 11? Ed hurt him I’m sure of it. It is Jenny’s fault too. Why doesn’t she believe Ed is a monster? I will never love Ed.
I’m scared that I have nothing to look forward to. I have stayed alive in the past because I have had something in the future I’ve wanted. Right now there is nothing I want. People around me always die. Like Vera. All I did was play a game of checkers with her. Why did my mom take me there when I was sick? Vera died after she played checkers with me. I didn’t cheat… I just didn’t understand how she wanted to play.
I knew I would lose friends after college was over. Is it just like that? You wake up one day and your friends are gone? I don’t enjoy the remarks I get about being in therapy for so long, but honestly it helps. People don’t give up caffeine because they get headaches… I don’t give up therapy because I get crazy. Okay, bad example.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I am going to bed…
I don't hate my family. I love them in a weird-friendly-surface kind of way.
My mom is great. I can talk to her about work, school, and the daily grind… But it doesn’t go much deeper than that. There is a huge part of me that wants to lie in my mothers lap and bawl. I have only done this once in my life, but it was the best feeling in the world. I seek my mother’s approval in everything I do… it just seems that I am always an arm reach away from it. I stretch out to grab it, but I always fall short. That is how it is with my family… I always fall short. It wasn’t this way with my dad. I could do no wrong in his eyes. My dad had no qualms about hugging me and holding my hand in public. When I would spend time at his house in Idaho, he would take me to breakfast every morning. He took me to the most rinky-dink, dirty place in Idaho Falls. He loved it. Because he loved it I loved it. He would put his arm around me and say, “what’cha want for breakfast today honey?” Those words will never be erased from my memory. My dad is dead now and I can’t help but wonder how much longer he would have lived if I hadn’t selfishly gotten married at 17. I think this only because he died 2 weeks after my wedding. As I was happily living up my newly married life, my dad was dying. The last words I ever said to him were, “Don’t have a coronary.” Just a few more words that will never be erased from my memory. That is the thing about my memory… It’s good… and I hate it. I remember things that I want to forget… things normal people would forget.
My sister loves me. She calls me every few weeks… to make sure I’m alive she says. It makes me wonder if she thinks my mom wouldn’t call her if I died. On the surface my sister cares for me a whole hell of a lot. Underneath, she loves that I will listen to her no matter what her current problem is. I don’t judge her on the outside… even though on the inside I hate to admit that I am very judgmental (not just to my sister). Sometimes I make a game of counting a word in someone’s vocabulary. Kim said “Michael” 27 times in the last hour conversation I had with her. I wonder if anyone counts my words? My mom says “ugh” a lot. Ugh is our family’s way of swearing… we do a lot of swearing.
Chuck loves me… genuinely. He just has too much going on in his own crazy life to act upon his love. His wife is a witch after all… His little one, Marisa is a handful. She is most definitely 3… but I love her. I love that she is strong willed at such a young age. She is smart too. I am glad for that. Chuck has some learning problems… it isn’t that I love him less for it, I’m just glad Marisa isn’t inheriting that. I just hope she makes it in life. Growing up in this family… your chances are iffy.
Travis never loved me. Well, maybe he did when I was first born. I’m sure I didn’t come out of my mother’s stomach looking like a piece of meat to him… at least I hope I didn’t. He was six when I was born… I hear he was still a sweet kid then. Ed turned him into a monster. Jenny let Eddie and Tyler spend a week with Ed recently. Since then Jenny has sent Tyler back with his grandmother because of his stealing problems. The last time I saw him he was hanging out with a Mexican gang. Poor Tyler. Does anyone else realize that he is only 11? Ed hurt him I’m sure of it. It is Jenny’s fault too. Why doesn’t she believe Ed is a monster? I will never love Ed.
I’m scared that I have nothing to look forward to. I have stayed alive in the past because I have had something in the future I’ve wanted. Right now there is nothing I want. People around me always die. Like Vera. All I did was play a game of checkers with her. Why did my mom take me there when I was sick? Vera died after she played checkers with me. I didn’t cheat… I just didn’t understand how she wanted to play.
I knew I would lose friends after college was over. Is it just like that? You wake up one day and your friends are gone? I don’t enjoy the remarks I get about being in therapy for so long, but honestly it helps. People don’t give up caffeine because they get headaches… I don’t give up therapy because I get crazy. Okay, bad example.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I am going to bed…
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